just what is wrong with me?

the two main problems now are

1.my stroke.i cannot understand why its said that i haven't been doing it.maybe i was just doing it with more caution instead of what was expected.i find that the pulling force is very great.too much to pull,and that means i haven't been useing the other side as a lever.

2.my tensing up problem!!!
grrr.and it doesn't just apply to canoeing.its everything in my life.
how do i relax?omg.its like so difficult for my brain to comprehend.
i have been bombarded by meeting deadlines since primary 4,and since pri sch.i have had this mindset that i MUST obey all the rules.INCLUDING the teacher.and that i must respect them.
grr...and i suppose this carried on till sec school.which i come to think that i haven't done much in those years.
and the stress i face.at home and things alike!zomg!
and i can imagine myself leading this kind of stressed up tensed up life in 5 years or maybe even till i get married.that is if i ever...its like i work like a robot!damnit!



and i am beginning to dread trainings.i feel that the past enthusiasm is just not there anymore.and every water training makes me so damn more stressed up than land trainings.
shit!