If I'm to find my own way out

2010-05-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

this is as good as dead.
update when there's things on my mind.
right now.its almost empty up there^^^^^

2010-04-28T22:19:00.001+08:00

come and go.

one's not completed.another comes along.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.wts is this.

2010-04-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean
I never thought that I'd love someone
That was someone else's dream

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart

But it might me a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Gonna come out anyway

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

2010-04-06T00:26:00.001+08:00

i miss those times.at least i wouldn't have to think so much,about the repercussions caused by my actions.don't have to organise,do sk.and interpret how others feel about me.Its just so annoying,that sensation that lingers along your trend of thoughts.i could try ignoring,but i wouldn't wanna destroy another fragile tie forged since the past few months.sigh.i should just stop relying on people and get things done by myself.

2010-03-31T23:25:00.001+08:00

think and think and think and think.
i have been taking some things for granted,not putting an eyelid into some matters and putting my heart into doing them.and i need to be more conscious,(been saying that) of things around me.sigh

teochew muah at maxwell..

letdown

2010-03-28T22:57:00.002+08:00

term's gonna end and i have just been getting eggcited over my techniques.
and today's actually the first time my mum asked me about my race when i got home.after 2 years.

and stamina's dropping.in no time i will have no difference from an average joe.

two separate entities

2010-03-26T22:36:00.002+08:00

one deserves recognition.even if just this much effort.
the other shows a part of me in the past.
and the marks they borne,its really heart-breaking.

tell me how,help me say the words out loud.

2010-03-24T23:45:00.002+08:00

brian mcknight back at one
shania twain-from this moment on
超級星光大道
air supply

Spontaneous human combustion

2010-03-21T22:57:00.003+08:00

-its very irritating to say sorry everytime something goes wrong on the vessel.
-i found out i miss morning sessions these days when i were to complain all about it taking up my time in the past
-i feel assured now that my team is coming back:)
-i need to quest for retro food.can't keep going to bitchan and amk central and having fast foods and food courts.
-i don't want to talk about the rest.feels depressing anyway

2010-03-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

2010-03-10T19:54:00.003+08:00

-internship sucks away your rowing time
-athlete have pronounced level of libido
-aircon have detrimental effects on your skin,including the outbreak of pimples
-RNA work is a nuisance
-local radio stations have such outstanding viewership,resulting in the same old songs being played everyday.
-chinatown and robertson quay has many old world rustic charms
-PA HQ is like Jurassic Park,easy to get in,cool to be inside,tough to get out.
-i cannot stand being at the same place,doing the same thing over and over again in order to achieve results.i need to move around,interact with people and learn about new things that i can sense and see with my naked eyes.
-girls are the bane of existence.wonder why God created them.they like to act cute whenever they're happy,put up a stuck up attitude when they are pissed,always telling you another thing when you are talking about something else to them.God knows what else they are capable of doing when they are in the mood.
-scientist are weird people.they have a certain sense of humour unique to them.

downfall

2010-03-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

can't help me think that this word is staring at me from all spaces,every moment i look at some symbolism of canoeing.i know its not possible to control every aspect of things,but i feel so not in control when i'm not around.especially at times like this when everyone else is not around,doing their internships.sigh,really depressing.makes me look as though i have not done enough or good enough as the others,even though they are doing pretty well in the eyes of some.its just not that standard,that optimum standard yet.wtv.i'm going to try again

where'd you go

2010-03-07T23:10:00.003+08:00

attachment/internship/itp starts officially tomorrow!
don't know whether to be happy or sad.
but one thing's for sure,i'm gonna miss the team.people like samuellieweijun,bennytanjianrong,kokyonghao,chewzhangjia,yeoyeehwee and lastly,master lim.
my relationship with the juniors have also grown better.(i believe in you guys for njcc,just do your best)
and i hope the team isn't led to demise by me this year.had been thinking about d-e-m-i-s-e the past few days.and i really cannot continue relying on alumnis,people like jeff/merv/timo/fy anymore.i just have to learn some things...

and A's results have been released.thats for all you wannaenterjcbutdidntmanagetoemokids!in your face!sigh

2010-03-05T02:09:00.000+08:00

Who can i turn to in times like this?

2010-02-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

拯救大行动

2010-02-24T00:20:00.001+08:00

past few days i have been spending quite alot of time in the toilet.shitting.enjoying the time which i took to expel those swirls of stools.likening the situation to being serendipity:)

2010-02-22T23:08:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired of studying.mol gen.looking forward to applied micro,but don't know whether still got gas anot.

and i want to watch my name is khan.somebody says its speech is made up of a fukking swirl of english and hindi?but the only cinemas that seem to be available are so far away.

and i got to see the botaks over the weekends.they look damn burnt.and i'm quite (sad?should this be the word?) that i'm not joining them on the island resort.they all seem damn happy doing this right now,although i'm sure that they really hope that pee-ohh-peee date comes faster..

alright.i'm really bored

2010-02-17T19:51:00.002+08:00

pretty ugly for a pair of clowns.
training was SUUUPEERRB today-.-
wind was kns.looks like a five day break could really drop things.on the other hand,had a pretty good talk regarding things about the nearing holidays today.rare sight to see him all geared up in running shoes.and best of all,DB is possible for this MR!!!
and its amazing how much free time i can take for morning rows this exam week.although i gotta work hard to keep myself awake and study after it.
oh wells,gotta keep myself in sync for the next few weeks,before attachment calls:O

2010-02-16T23:48:00.002+08:00

cny's pretty much over.
got to pick up those worn flying shoes(percy's flying converse),and try to run again!
at least i have the rest of 300+ more days to look forward to:)
and the fact that i'm underperforming as a role model/senior,depresses me.
workaholic.sigh..how i wished i had ADHD like percy:(
how i wished i could stay in the water and feel like nothing ever happened and that i feel the most comfortable around some things/people.

Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go.

2010-02-13T01:41:00.002+08:00

finally,done with freaking biostats.-.-
and fyp's grouping are more/less confirmed.
training's been inconsistent of late.i needa find a way to communicate with everyone else.seems like i'm getting alittle too slack with them.O.o(im so gonna get sliced when they sees this)

on the other hand,i'm looking forward to the next few days.Woohoo!chionging time.steamboat time:)

but time and time again

2010-02-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

steel plate in leg,strained elbow,bruised kneecap.what's next?
i regretted,truly,not putting my heart into knowing them well enough,when i was still green.Now that everyone else had their own place in the team,and some leaving and going,i wonder when all four of us will be down again,at the same place,on the same day,doing the same plan;probably never again.
after all these time,after all the damn heavy weights gym works with an chun.and tuesday's land training with beeny,and gems lessons with nigel,i realised that winning them over in sprints/time trials/10km is not a big deal.As a matter of fact,the big deal is when you actually enjoy the sprint/10km/time trials and you know that you could catch up with them and even if you couldn't you wouldn't mind,and you'd push yourself and try to catch up.Even if you lose,you'd still feel happy inside.Happy because you didn't blame anyone when you're slow.Happy because you truly put in effort in what you are doing.Happy because you attended anger management and put your skills to the test:)

alright,exams are nearing.and cny clothes,man,i really wanna buy somemore,but there is little money left in the till:(
and i really wanna go out and enjoy myself and put away the books for a day.but i can't,cause there's 3 papers next week:(

and live in hilltop houses drivin' fifteen cars

2010-02-02T01:11:00.002+08:00

think about it yourself.imagine yourself living in one of those maisonettes along sixth ave/thomson area/telok kurau,inviting all your friends to your house,having steamboat dinner or just a simple gathering.take photos and have fun;in the process,though you might not be aware that you are actually spending one of the best days in your life,at that exact moment,and no matter what you do,what you try to salvage or implement,that you can never replicate the exact situation,people,food,friends,times,places ever again.
give some thought over it?

reminder:instant noodles elimination,eat more carbs.

making decisions

2010-01-31T22:28:00.001+08:00

been thinking about tomorrow's interview for the attachment based in school.should i forsake the placement over at the birdpark for this?or should i go ahead with this molecular diagnostics thingy.

'masterplan'

2010-01-29T00:52:00.002+08:00

adminwork
worries
thoughts
masstextmessages
thegame
chickensoup
dietamendment
boatmaintainence
tapesputtiesspraypaints
ckone

2010-01-25T18:16:00.002+08:00

a chain of events recently made me think about how i'm gonna spend the rest of the days in poly,probably and maybe for the future.
I realised that maybe i would like to switch fields in the future.biotech's getting boring.seems like paddling is so much more fun:O ecotourism sounds good too:)
of course,it ain't that easy to change.plus,how am i gonna support ma parents when i'm unsure if i can get into a local u.(emo shitxz)
and,i had lunch with 小SS today,as usual.and,damnit.the couple eating beside us was talking about NS and stuff about school and buff db captains and canoe polo hunks:(
i gotta do something about this.....
now's the time,the best time to prove...

2010-01-23T23:20:00.002+08:00

recently caught the elos mini bug

2010-01-23T21:36:00.002+08:00

team talk with a different cast,a different feel and a certain poise.
it hadn't been easy,for the past few days,struggling to keep the team running.had it not been those trusty and cooperative sidekicks,i wouldn't have gotten the game up and running.
however,i just couldn't kick the habit of being overly stern and serious,evening during a certain conversation after training.how i wished i was able to.how i wished,with just a twitch of an eye,i could get them reactive to what i was trying to put across and make them ~~laugh~~smile,so that i wouldn't become 'the bad guy',at least not forever.
well,communications hadn't been a big problem for me,cuz over the past few years,everyone else was more or less from the same platform.but i guess it ain't so bad afterall.

SCM 2010

2010-01-21T00:05:00.002+08:00

haven't had time to write about this latest marathon yet.School's been sapping up life,training as usual.looks like things are really going the -ve way nowadays.been waking up late for class,can't help but find myself procrastinating to wake up.But,But!i'm conscious enough to note what classes could be afford to be given some leeway on attendance.

Peak Season is almost over.Now till MR still has a pretty long wayy.So is my mood for training.now's the time to train up those lagging gym weights.and to do some technique paddling.

'The sports scene is really one of a kind. But I get to see true passion, real effort and the darkest side of humanity. And I will continue to witness the best and the worst of all kinds, and I will continue the journey of self-discovery, so that one day I may attain my very own nirvana.'

To put things in a nicer way,lets just say that the competitiveness kills and reveals of the ugly side of mankind.This marathon has unleashed its jaws on me again,making me realise how fragile human thoughts are.Willy agreed on this too while i brought up the topic on the ten-tonner.How long does it take for one to witness the very worst of others?Not very long i suppose;when you're tired and mentally drained and almost hitting heat stroke capacity.Not very long...
I'm glad to have gone through this 27km with C2 tho.First time and we haven't trained much.Such a ~~good~~pathetic way to start off an endeavour.

well,exams are coming.gotta work hard again..sigh

first 19yo post

2010-01-11T00:28:00.003+08:00

okay.its kinda expected tho.
have been enjoying myself the past two days,trainings hard and going out with friends,esp for those enlisting soon.looks like its kinda tough to meet hard after their heads turn into shiny disco balls.

it seems like a terrible thing,counting down the years of your life.big ole nineteen.
events which happened two years ago still remains pretty clear in my mind.i wish i could just party/work/play so damn hard that i forget about all the events which had occured.
But,anyway,life's gotten better these days.
Canoeing has come a long way for me,especially SPCT,things changed ever since i joined them for frequent dinners after trainings/town days.
biotech became bullshit after my life became canoeing.looks as if my parents were paying for holidays>study.and i haven't got the faintest idea of what's the most ideal job after grad.definitely,aquarium shopkeeper is out of the idea.underwater world still sound pretty good though.

the future's so unspeakable,but it aint distant anymore...

unexpected coincidence

2009-12-30T22:32:00.002+08:00

09/10 is coming to an end.in one more day,more or less around that.

gotta say,i havent spent my time doing what i really wanted to do.but i really spent it happily:) :

LAN with teammates;
i've always liked LAN.been a long time since i was so happy playing it.L4D2 is really addictive i must say.so much better than one.and still havent managed to complete the levels.Demigod is so cool man!Not to forget all time fav,DOTA.sadly,all these gotta be cut down when term starts,probably to zero%.but its quite a good piece of memory to keep,especially when you spent the night of xmas,lanning.

Trainings:
water training's quite offthetrack nowadays,after polite.but things gonna come back,sooner or later.but for the meantime,lets just enjoy the fun and laughter while we can.
altho i must say,i havent been the best senior around,but gradually la.i dont hope for everyone to clique well with me,sibei gum sort.but let's just say,take things one step at a time.anyway,i believe i'm not a very easy person to talk to.

nothing much to think about nowadays.at least not that much.cause i am damn tired after trainings.have a happy new year peeps;)

2009-12-20T00:25:00.001+08:00

原来一切没改变过.

to build it up and tear it down

2009-12-13T17:04:00.002+08:00

yesterday was probably the worst day in canoe history.it never came so close as to offer me such an impact.
giving up hadn't been an option,since ivp,but yesterday's even jolted this spark again.and i thought about it,for a little while(thanks to such a fast-paced life and the people around me).
maybe its really this thin line of margin that separates me away from giving up.and it will probably be like this,even after these three years.thin line.

2009-12-06T23:08:00.003+08:00

have you ever woke up,thinking that today's gonna be a good day.i'm gonna fucking make it big today,i'm gonna do what i want to complete today,and sleep a good night's rest.

well,go get your shovel.and we'll dig a deep hole

2009-11-29T15:00:00.002+08:00

Listening to the lyrics is like entering a world where sandcastle's aren't built, but buried, a world where the baddie is not the wolf, but reality... and in this world, things are dark, but they're very real.

There's a sense of longing; longing for those fairytales and longing for innocence, but it's coupled with a sense of realisation that this will never happen

2009-11-28T22:28:00.003+08:00

finally,another chapter is written.things are finally over.months of training,haven't gone to waste.at least.

not contented,not really.if not for the remaining last leg.quite a waste.

but the feeling of winning yet another year of overall men's was great.

Good Job Guys!

pocahontas

2009-11-27T20:03:00.002+08:00

been watching this cartoon for the past few days;O i know its pretty strange for a guy,but well,to be honest,i didn't really like it when i was young as a kid,until i heard about colours of the wind.

Anyway,tomorrow is POLITE.
All these months of hard trainings,doing 2km sprints,starts,race sets etc,gonna be put to good use..for only 1 race...how ironic..but i'm gonna believe in my strokes,and put them to the test.all these training ain't for nothing

2009-11-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

i feel like having/continuing a conversation with someone.its always the case that you find that you don't have the time to finish what you were talking about.
i find myself having so little time to talk(properly),these days,clique(properly) with anyone these days.most of the time its just useless talk.i would really like to share how i think with others,but these just doesn't seem to be the case most of the times.
if only these talks could last longer.but then,i would have dried up most of the juicy parts already.

and i forgot applied micro in a week:O
i was so confident of myself knowing every detail during the lecture,but the online quiz just killed my hopes.if only i could spend one day at home,to read through my notes,and do some tutorials.if only i had the time...

reflection

2009-11-21T23:25:00.002+08:00

after looking at so many photos taken overseas by fellow friends,i suddenly have an urge of travelling overseas,and leave my footprints there,leaving mark and also a memory to myself.

What have i been doing all these years,i question myself.What else can i do next?What else can i do before everything comes crashing down on you during army?and worst,university.

can i not grow up?if only i could stay like this,right now,all the way,enjoying what i am doing,hanging out,mocking fun of one another,training.

all of a sudden,these things becomes so much clearer.

closer

2009-11-11T21:23:00.002+08:00

applied microbiology seems fun.like some classification of weird looking things under the light microscope,much like the usual taxonomy of animals,just that things are super tiny this time round.
and,polite is in 2 weeks,how fast,tomorrow's thursday already.another week's gonna fly past again.things get so much more worrying as it draws nearer.
How not to break it,with just one race and you dont even know if yourself is doing things the right way round after doing it so many times round before.If you say that things have been justified before, i guess you've got 50/50.
confidence level dropped after the holidays,much like training intensity.
But i'm glad to say that i've reached my optimum before.and i know that i could pull myself up again,telling myself that i have done it before.

2009-11-04T00:09:00.003+08:00

feels so weird nowadays,thinking thinking about my every action and word that i must to say.

had dinner/bday celebration with glen and wynn yesterday down at katong's aston.damn them,though i must say its pretty good but cold too.

weather's been freaky lately,all the rain and shine causing so many people to get sick.

3 more weeks to pol-ite race.not feeling up to the standard,somehow dropped,and trying to pick it back up again=tiring and unsure of.

damn,this suckssss.

2009-10-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

remember the promise that you made,right here.on this blogspace a year ago.around there perhaps.

the promise of learning the knots,doing well and eventually excel.remember the promise,and keep it right there on your heart and never let shallow thoughts run them over.

can't wait for things to be over

2009-10-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

there and then.my life somehow revolves around the same few people these days.training and training and training.unsure of even how things are gonna head these times.and somehow,i just seem to accept that they are part of my life now.how it would be without them.hahahaha.

can;t wait for RUKR to be over,so everyone's back at mac,and things will get a lot less hectic.

ciao

breaking time barriers

2009-10-21T22:17:00.002+08:00

it never felt like this before.

increased heart rates

panting like hell after every sprint set.

looking forward to heavier weights.

and intrinsic motivation.

i just hope all these stays there till after comms.

2009-10-20T00:53:00.000+08:00

You have come here
in pursuit of
your deepest urge,
in pursuit of
that wish,
which till now
has been silent,
silent

2009-10-15T14:19:00.000+08:00

frustration woes

damn if you do,damn if you don't

2009-10-09T21:43:00.003+08:00

feeling kind of guilty after having bbq seafood just now.never felt like that before.i thought oil was always wasnt that bad until i had the kangkong dripping in oil,felt really disgusted after which.
and there's 8x1 tmr.wished i hadnt go for the dinner just now.

wahlao,1 more week.give up liao la.driving can take it easy liao la.after IVPs then say la.ccbcbk.
grrrr

*edit*
this holidays,seemed pretty short.actually its pretty long,but ever since weekly training 6/7 days a week begun,time begun to past pretty fast.esp the past 3 weeks.much but changed,i mean the timings.and just as i was about to think back.

i was pretty glad,although i wished i had made my way to cj.that decision really left me regretful.
but on the brighter side,what i'm doing now,although may not be the best and most promising for the future,i'm glad that somewhat i'm pretty contented right now
and i must say,coach has been one of the greatest guidance around.i bet he partially shaped many of the people's character in the team as well.
for this holiday,some things i would remember would be

1.sunday debriefs
2.kallang canal sprints
3.monday heavy weights
4.thursday endurances
5.suntec's meals
6.beach road's chicken rice which portions had been getting lesser each time.

as much as it may have seemed,i kinda missed seeing the n team around in macritchie.something which has been a staple during morning rows when school's in.the dreaded pub patrol boats.the morning showers in macritchie.coach's constant reminders.peter chai aka reservoir attendant aka chao bin.and the latest addition 50m starts.

FWIW

2009-10-08T11:53:00.001+08:00

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

2009-10-05T22:28:00.001+08:00

hougang,kovan,serangoon gardens,amk.

step back in time

2009-10-04T00:29:00.001+08:00

millenia walk was so ideal,so silent,so reminding..and it always shall be.

hsrah

2009-09-30T22:00:00.001+08:00

Enough is enough

But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

2009-09-29T14:14:00.002+08:00

3 more weeks.

sian la.i need to stop procrastinating and do the things that i wanna do this holidays.

spending alot also.but lol,holidays is to spend money.i just need to find a way to prevent my bank account from being stagnant all the way.

suddenly i find myself with less thoughts than usual.good in a way.but i hope i dont do things without thinking ah.which is most of the time.lol

2009-09-27T14:30:00.001+08:00

really cmi

i think i must really get a good rest from 9pm to next day again.long long sleep.early and all,and no disruptions.

2009-09-24T22:51:00.002+08:00

caught phantom of the opera on dvd this afternoon.though we skipped quite a bit of scenes.but somehow,i discovered the magic of the lyrics.something new.and the lyrics were really touching.gotta watch it again on my pod.

in other news,training is still very tiring,like getting worst.haha.luckily ac's around for entertainment..

Valhalla

2009-09-23T22:29:00.002+08:00

In Norse mythology, Valhalla (from Old Norse Valhöll "hall of the slain"^[1]) is a majestic, enormous hall located in Asgard, ruled over by the god Odin. Chosen by Odin, half of those that die in combat travel to Valhalla upon death, led by valkyries, while the other half go to the goddess Freyja's fieldFólkvangr. In Valhalla, the dead join the masses of those who have died in combat known as Einherjar, as well as various legendary Germanic heroesand kings, as they prepare to aid Odin during the events of Ragnarök.

2009-09-20T23:49:00.002+08:00

i'm losing faith in whatever i do.its not that i don't like canoeing/going out/hanging out with friends/reefkeeping.Its just that i don't have that drive to maintain the continuity anymore.Its like i am just doing it for the sake of going on.I want to find something that excites me.okay.maybe for the exception of canoeing.coach almost always has something new in store for us:)

okay,i really want to have a good dinner AGAIN with my pals,sitting down and having buffet until the shop closes,smth like rei's bday.what could be better than that.just relac.sometimes i really wish that i do not have to worry about the time and what's gonna come up tomorrow morning so that i could fully enjoy myself and without worrying that i do not have enough money to pay up for the services/food.all these things really destroys the enjoyment process

2009-09-18T21:20:00.004+08:00

8am hit kallang,

row not good.no strength to pull.cannot even push myself.partner said that it was alright.he say maybe its not my day.

went to jw house play mj,cannot even play a simple game of mahjong.ok,nevermind.

went back home to have dinner,tried to took put the steamed fish from the pot,but slipped my hands and the plate fell to the ground.created quite a mess.

just then,i felt pretty pissed with myself.such a simple thing also cannot do,how come the plate will slip out of the hands.i felt like i was damn useless.and while picking up the mess,i questioned myself,why all along,all these 18 years i havent seem to done anything that i am satisfied with.

when i was young,mum used to tell me,you dont have the xiao cong ming that others possess.people do 10 times can learn already,you must do 100 times.And then i doubted myself,if there was any use being so hardworking.Like as if people will regard your hardworking capablitlies highly in singapore,where everyone else possess street-smartness and all of them are able to twist their words and tongues and tell lies with the wink of an eye.All these i cant even do.I never liked to tell lies,i cannot lie to be honest,whenever i try,i will give a sign away,such as smiling.And these two years or this one year,i have been wondering if i am able to talk cock like all others are able to.like why am i so serious most of the times.

And i thought to myself if others who dont know me,may mistaken that i am very straightforward or that i dunno how to talk.while others that have known me for a long time knows what i am saying some of the time.Like how i am able to talk to them,without feeling weird to fearing that i might hurt their feelings.I really wish that i could speak properly without hurting others.and sometimes,i think too much and the they aren't really hurt at all,and then this i dont know if its true at all,when people say that they aren't hurt but deep down inside,they really wished that you didn't have said that.

And sometimes,i really wished that i kept quiet most of the time,so that i wont say anything or do anything wrong.

And then,i thought if i was really good at anything at all,like most of the things that i do,i can't even do them properly,much less excel in them.

i dont know,i have a lot more thoughts than these just now....but i think i should be back to doing whatever i am suppose to do right now.

2009-09-16T16:57:00.001+08:00

house-husband in the making

2009-09-14T23:26:00.001+08:00

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说

其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

2009-09-13T22:32:00.001+08:00

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me

2009-09-10T15:01:00.002+08:00

maybe i have been expecting too much from my life.way much more than i can handle.isn't it better to keep it simple?and just let last minute decisions take over?seriously,screw the society,screw the fucking way people live lives nowadays.

2009-09-07T22:41:00.002+08:00

i must say.i have been very stressed,over trainings.i can't believe it,its just days into the holidays and i feel myself overwhelmed by the amount of trainings.its not that i can't accept.but,it's sorta like breathing down my neck already.maybe i need to plan out a list of what i wanna do this holidays.then maybe i wont be procrastinating everyday on why training is taking so much time.

i know the amount of trainings i have to clock.and i know it when i'm suppose to go down,the fact that training everyday...just lands me into thinking space again.hai.

Oldies

2009-09-06T23:21:00.002+08:00

4 days consecutive morning rows.i wanna take a break.soon.

parents going to china on thursday.gotta take over chores already..and cooking...

Brood Parasitism

2009-09-04T21:55:00.002+08:00

"The best-known example is the European Common Cuckoo. The shells of the eggs of brood-parasites is usually thick. They have two distinct layers with an outer chalky layer that is believed to provide resistance to cracking when the eggs are dropped in the host nest. The cuckoo egg hatches earlier than the host's, and the cuckoo chick grows faster; in most cases the chick evicts the eggs or young of the host species."

caught this on nat geo during dinner time.such a sad fate.the cuckoo looks so huge and ugly as compared to its surrogate parents.Oh well,natural selection at work:(

Back At One

2009-09-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

It's undeniable that we should be together
It's unbelievable, how I used to say that I'd fall never
The basis is need to know
If you just don't know how I feel
Then let me show you that now I'm for real
If all the things in time, time will reveal
(Yeah-ah...)
One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one
(Yeah-ah...)
It's so incredible, the way things work themselves out
And all emotional, once you know what it's all about, hey
And undesirable, for us to be apart
I never would've made it very far
'Cause you know you got the keys to my heart
'Cause...
One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
(Then I'll start back at one)
Say farewell to the dark of night
I see the coming of the sun
I feel like a little child, whose life has just begun
You came and breathed new life into this lonely heart of mine
You threw out the life line
Just in the nick of time
One, you're like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one

Sunday

2009-08-31T00:05:00.002+08:00

i had a family dinner at zhou's kitchen today evening!
I liked the concept of the dining.Although i feel that i have a rather traditional tastebud,for i can't really take to the combination of savory and sweet palate in a dish.Such as you ask me to eat a chicken chop,lam with barbecue sauce.I'd go for mushroom sauce or black pepper.Barbecue sauce just doesn't really appeal to my tastebuds,though my gustatory thalamus will tell me that this is a rather intricate dish and that its fusion.mix of asian and western,therefore,explaining the sweet and savory taste.
The interiors were nice.It was at far east square.Quiet place,nice ambience for a sunday night.Away from all the crowds.

And then,after everything ended,i wondered how it would be like,to be working part time as a waiter.Ending job at 9 plus on a sunday,where everyone else would be at home with their loved ones already,while you are going home from work,and preparing for a new week which starts in a few more hours.Would you,1.be hanging out for supper with your colleagues?2.Chiong right home after work?3.Take your own sweet time,and appreciate the soundless corridors of the CBD on a sunday night,and take a straight bus home,by yourself sans company?4.Call your close friend,bug him/her and ask him/her to accompany you on the phone while you go home?

lol,farni post i must say.but i'm glad that i manage to remember what i thought of in the car.

PS:i remembered how you told me about my wednesdays.How i wanted it to be free,like all the other people around me but i cannot,cause wednesdays are water training days.And whenever i see doraemon,i'm reminded of you.You said his pouch is very magical,cause he can bring out anything that can solve every trouble that is happening.

don't go looking for love

2009-08-29T14:24:00.002+08:00

i just found out that alot of people around me are leaving for ITP,be it overseas or local.its kinda sad.almost half of my class is also going for itp this time round.thinking about it makes me feel uneasy.

this last paper,hai.i know i have to mug pretty hard cause i forgotten alot of the beginning chapters.

ok,let's just put feelings away for the moment,and concentrate hard these few days.

That everything would be like it was before

2009-08-27T20:41:00.002+08:00

sit bus till ass cramps.think about things that make you smile to yourself and say"hey,i got it!haha,its not that bad afterall"

temporal satisfication.at the end of the day,its still you who have to slog off yourself and think about all those things that come crashing down on your when you are at your emotionally-weakest point.

two papers.one more huge bigass before everyday training starts:)

2009-08-26T23:33:00.002+08:00

i'm sick.and i havent trained for a week,fitness gonna drop.and i feel very hungry right now cause i only had a few pieces of sandwiches for lunch cause i didnt have appetite and the sore throat makes swallowing food so tough.

2009-08-25T21:51:00.001+08:00

1 paper down.2 more to go.and i'm starting to get lazy already.

2009-08-21T15:41:00.001+08:00

penny.i found this:)

Mushroom Pot

fatigue

2009-08-20T22:18:00.002+08:00

it just started to pour outside.

how i wish i can sleep right now,i'd just lay flat on my bed.i havent been so tired for awhile.and the past few days took my strength away very quickly.

life hasnt been good.looks like i'm gonna screw up again this semester.

exams in a week.and then its holidays.

i so wanna talk to someone about my fears,the right person,but it seems like i'm keeping them to myself instead.like i can't openly talk about it,and not feeling bad/awkward/lousy/embarrassing/lowly after that.

2009-08-19T02:38:00.000+08:00

Faber Drive-Tongue Tied

a land lost in time

2009-08-15T21:53:00.002+08:00

i managed to catch UP last night,with the companionship of a few other guys who kept complaining about how boring the movie was.but i appreciate the sacrifice dudes:)

the film was very touching although the 3D glasses made me really dizzy afterwards.and i could say its so much better than monsters vs aliens.so,so,much better.if only this movie was released earlier.

and i needa study again.lets just say liberation is near,although i havent planned much for the holidays yet.

so many people are going for their attachment,and now,i do wonder why i made such a huge sacrifice.i gave up day trips to malaysia,gave up wonderful vacation time,gave up time hanging out,gave up time thinking about how shiitish my life would be.And then,i could assure myself that i would and should be very happy,if all these sacrifices paid off and i bring back a piece of bedokian memory back to homeground when next semester starts and then i become flaccid.

better than me

2009-08-12T23:46:00.003+08:00

i really wish i could rewind time.i wished i never said all those things that make me look like a loser now.

2009-08-12T00:15:00.002+08:00

since you have decided to put your time on it,why not make it a fruitful one,give it your best!

2009-08-09T17:27:00.001+08:00

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty... handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

2009-08-09T17:03:00.003+08:00

ac:its a public holiday.just sit back and relax,don't keep constraining yourself over time.

jh:hmm.yeah,later on,time management becomes time constraint.

2009-08-07T00:57:00.001+08:00

iireversible,rate-limiting step.
sigh.how sad

2009-08-05T22:46:00.001+08:00

hi,i got stung by a bee today!
hope that i turn into a mutant and get super powers so that i could become stronger and faster:)

2009-08-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

i wanna watch this

uncanny resemblance

2009-08-04T23:29:00.002+08:00

past few days have been spent looking and staring at books and notes other than the exceptional mealtimes and trainings.
2 tests down,one more to go!
and i'm looking forward to this long weekend break.i need a short while to take a breather,before i embark on yet another phase of studying.

but what disturbs me is that,no matter how much i read and study,my peers seem to do better than me.not that i havent tried,but i gave all ears to the lecturer during class and tried to ask questions during tutorial sessions,and tried my best to understand most of the topics,but no matter how i tried,there's bound to be loopholes which i fall through.Its not that i want to be the top scorer in class or be the top notch and obtain a diploma in merit(i wished!).What i want is just to be eligible for uni entry and thats all.the rest can let time decide.
i seemed to have exhausted most of what i can do,at least.and it really sucks to see everyone grabbing their books while you thought you have managed to study most of what seems to be.

and its really pressuring to have so many things coming your way.UNDER PRESSURE.
was told that ac managed to clock two days of morning row.while jh managed 0.not that i didnt want to,but the tests,everything.hai

its not simple;
its not simple to juggle so many trainings with school
its not simple to wake up at 6am everyday despite so many alarms and me snoozing everyone of them
its not simple to continue with the last set of 15x4 endurance weights
its not simple keep yourself awake at the most important of times during lectures
its not simple to read through a whole page of molecular biology notes without looking up and getting distracted
its not simple to pull through 4x2km sprints
and its really not simple to maintain such a situaiton,where you hold on to what you believed,and continue doing it with faith,without thinking otherwise what may happen at the other end but still continue to believe in it,cause in the first place,you have set your sights and told yourself that this time's gonna be okay.and after going through so much thoughts and feelings and you still continue to hold on to it,cause you believe.that someday,out of the blue and when you least expected it to happen,you feel elated,that what you believed in all the while,has always been there and then.knowing that although you had that many things in mind,you managed to find a spot,somewhere right there in your heart,a special place,for the special belief.

2009-08-02T18:27:00.000+08:00

2009-07-31T18:39:00.000+08:00

Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

utmost clockwork

2009-07-30T18:00:00.004+08:00

dude,you gotta wake up your idea.comms are in 2 months time and your 2km timings are still the same,more/less.what happened?did you ingest something wrong accidentally?what are you thinking during the whole 2km?was your mind elsewhere?

went to school with a fucking great mood,landed home in a fucking bad mood.
double session of biochemistry was good.at least i got more idea of what's going on.so,that leaves me with 2 more hours.one hour was used up for late lunch.last hour was spent at the library for revision,but it didn't turn out well.that well i mean.after-lunch aka thermogenesis kicked in after some time.found myself lying face down on the table.gave up and shut my eyes for the last ten minutes.
the scariest shit was molecular biology.managed to scrap through the first few slides,and then again,found myself staring into blank spaces when the class was ending.
i've got this feeling that the class's average is gonna be pulled up this time round.everyone else is mugging,and its scares me out.it makes me doubt if i have mugged enough,cause this is like my maximum threshold,although probably not that bad,there's still like 10% more to maximum,really 110% threshold.its like pushing at 120% for 10 seconds.its shit.its damn scary.to see everyone holding their notes in front of the lecturer,asking and clarifing and you know that you yourself,have doubts somewhere in between the pages and you havent discovered these doubts cause you havent read and you hope that after solo-reading,you could clear these doubts by yourself.

and i had a great evening.jon came over to my house to complete his literary works.as,if he completed!
spoke about the usual stuff,thanks dude.major hit again.
and i'm finally going out tomorrow evening.i need some breather before the next 2 weeks sets in,before everything infront of me becomes PFK,aldolase,GC,stationary phase,reverse non-polar phase,normal polar phase,FID,TCD,Le Chatlier's Principle...etc
and i really hope i could do well this semester,at least to bring up my hopeless grades again and pull me through and lastly to gain a step closer to uni entry.for that i can only hope.
next week shall be simple life.after school,home,study,school,row,home,study,row,home,rest,study,home,row,study,rest.

2009-07-29T21:04:00.001+08:00

busy week.next week's gonna be worst.grip yourself,get ready for the worst...

misunderstanding

2009-07-26T14:58:00.003+08:00

grats,i just screwed my life,up-down-left-right-centre-striaght and back,all in a period of 2 weeks.i think this is the fucking biggest mistake that i have ever done.

people are mostly good

2009-07-24T23:15:00.002+08:00

bloodshed
poverty
civil war
refugees
rebel
Ak-47
photojournalism
blood diamond

依然还想着.你

hope its all not too late

2009-07-23T00:38:00.003+08:00

something just hit my mind.instead of dwelling in this denial shit,i should just get my engines cracking and do my work.and instead of denialling,i should just think of proper ways to counter or mend them,if it could ever be mended.but at the end of the day,when i have done my best,i still hope that its all not too late.=)

late!

2009-07-22T21:12:00.002+08:00

penned down a chunk of text today.long time since i manually wrote down how i felt.and it feels different.
and i've been very sleepy the past few days,its been quite some time since i dozed off during class.and its triggering some negative response from my conscious mind.not good!

2009-07-20T22:01:00.002+08:00

I can see it in your eyes,you mean all of what you say.

a day late

2009-07-19T10:23:00.004+08:00

No,no,no,no and no.some things are better off left at the back of your mind.

what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
i remember so long ago, see i felt that same way

i feel so helpless.

Damage Control

2009-07-17T22:29:00.002+08:00

friday,at home.
reading through binsan notes and reading off my novel.ended up slicing up the slab of roast beef that had been lying in the fridge since wednesday.
it aint so fantastic afterall,roast beef smelled almost like beef bakwa.but its a good source of protein and a good side dish for pasta or rice.

its sad,to learn about such things happening.never expected the fragility.but well,if only things were that magical,and both sides of the world could compromise.i'd imagine if i were in the shoes of others.but then again,if situations were the same,i would probably be the beast who ended up reverting back to the handsome prince form.and living happily ever after.
hang on there dude.

a bad dream

2009-07-17T00:11:00.002+08:00

call it a nightmare,and i really thought it was happening below my blocks until my phone's alarm started to sound at six in the morning.i felt pretty uneasy after waking,and i was pretty worried about the string of events that happened.dwelled on it for a moment,sprung to my senses,and then silenced my phone and got back to sleep.

its magical,like how a thriller/supernatural plot unfolds,right infront of me.never expected to be the director,much less the lead:)

2009-07-15T23:51:00.002+08:00

what if you found out that the thing you were looking for was never there at all.
and you had been trying to find it,rather anxiously.and had placed all confidence and ears on it and you never felt skeptical about anything about it,all along,until this one day,when you found out that it was never really there at all,in the first place,in the end.
all along,you had been playing your own tune and singing to your own melodies,smiling to yourself thinking how symphonic they sound,to you,and when others ask you about your tunes,you give them a smile and ignore their suggestions for a better piece.

burn in hell

2009-07-15T21:53:00.002+08:00

my back is breaking.i need a good rest.if not i wont grow.
feeling very shit.very foul mood actually.
READ THIS
mr starfish lie gave me a wedgie today!ended up with a torn split in my shorts.THANKS UH
i make sure you get poked someday

emotional rollercoaster

2009-07-14T22:16:00.002+08:00

maybe guys too suffer from post menstrual effects.
and i'm still stuck with the flu bug.

you want the potter?

2009-07-12T21:31:00.002+08:00

its been kinda long,and short this week.
i tend to think too much,but at least i managed to spend some time at training this week,which managed to get my mind off some stuffs.

and while looking through some pictures on facebook,i realised how much i miss ncc.although it hasn't been a very enjoyable and busy unit back in ntss,i guess there were times that we could call our happy times.i bet wynn would agree with me on this.

i know i get affected very easily by the words of others,i have been trying to lead my own life,in the way i would like it to be for the past few days.but sometimes,i just heed advices like solutions.without thinking through and realising the consequences.

2009-07-09T19:03:00.005+08:00

5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out,
Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.

Passion and silence,
Every word, every line, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?
Oh, Sophia, Sophia.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

i didn't bring along my iPod with me to school today yet this song kept playing in my head.
i like how she manage to put across sophia in a way which sounds like it's a fire

2009-07-08T22:10:00.002+08:00

threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold
threshold

key word for today:threshold
and i'm done with molbio report and newater case study.two down,one more to go.
PS:this is worse than MSTs.

2009-07-07T11:18:00.002+08:00

spoke to sf over the phone last night.she didn't sound very happy over the whole issue.and the points she gave made me thought about it all over again